Russian Roulette

:: Take a breathe, take it deep ::
:: "Calm yourself" He says to me ::
:: If you play, you play for keeps ::
:: Take the gun and count to three ::
:: I'm sweating now, moving slow ::
:: No time to think, my turn to go::

:: As my life flashes before my eyes ::
:: I'm wondering will I ever see another sunrise? ::
:: So many won't get the chance to say goodbye ::
:: But it's too late to think of the value of my life ::

- Rihanna Russian Roulette

I love this song because it expresses so much without saying much. It reminds of when your in that place where everything is crashing down around you and there is no silver lining. When you can't imagine how to move on or how you got there. Your totally fucked and there is not a damn thing you can do about it. You feel like your life is over. Somehow you have to slam through whatever weighs down on you and find some release. At that point though you just don't care anymore. That's a place I'm all too familiar with.

I've been told that I'm cold, secretive and untrustworthy. Maybe I am, but shutting down is not a means of weakness its a means of self preservation. If my heart is cold then I can't be burnt by warmth. Not sharing aspects of your life isn't being secretive, it's being protective. As far as untrustworthy, that depends on who you ask I guess.

I've been told, "I feel like I don't even know who you are". That's probably because you never really knew who I was from the beginning. Always in the shadows, seen but not recognized. When someone is down, when they are struggling and going through hard times, you don't beat them. You either make it better or do nothing. Constant berating just makes it impossible to see that there is something better ahead. The reason I keep things to myself is for two main reasons, 1-I don't want the pity and 2-I don't want to be judged or scolded. If this makes me cold and unrecognizable then so be it. I'll wear that badge proudly.

I wont say I have it all figured out and I will admit I've made mistakes but at the end of the day I'm a human being. No better and no worse than any of you. Things could always be worse, I could lose at Russian Roulette.