The Best Day Ever

As many of my mornings begin I log onto facebook and read people's status updates and check my phone for the text messages I have received from people informing/bitching to me about their day and life. For a moment, I pretend to be interested and respond with the scripted "Omg really?" or "Why, what's wrong?". Clearly I could care less but because I am nice, as many of us are,we would rather pretend to care than to tell you the truth of No one gives a fuck.

Sometimes it would be nice to not see people's status updates of "I am so depressed I want to die" or "I love him/her so much, my life is full". I understand that facebook is quite narcissistic because really who gives a rat's ass that you went to the store and what you want for lunch. Yet, here we all are adding our own status updates that probably annoy a few people on a daily basis.

With this said, I wish there was one day a year in which you are allowed to say and do whatever you wanted without repercussion to whomever you felt like. I would trade in Christmas morning and my birthday for this one day. A day I have aptly named, The Best Day Ever.

The Best Day Ever would go something like this...

AM- I wake up and my cell has two text messages:

Text 1- "Hey omg let me tell you about the crazy shit that went down on the train, I saw your ex with this girl. Shes like to total opposite of you"

Text 2- "My boyfriend dumped me, HELP!"

Now on a normal day I would have responded to Text 1- "Ugh, I don't even care he's so not worth it". Text 2 would have went something like, "Its okay hes a jerk, I will be at your house with movies and ice cream and we can talk all about it!" BUT..since its The Best Day Ever, my responses would go something like this...

Text 1- "Good Morning to you too Bitch, nice way to fuck up my day. I hope you get fired, whore".

Text 2- "You really think I'm going to sit here and listen to you cry about your boyfriend leaving when I can't even get a guy to call me back. Bitch please. Man up and bang his best friend, I could care less, whore".

Normally I would have severed friendships but on this one glorious day its okay because it will all be forgotten by tomorrow. YAY!! This can even be used at the workplace. Like when your boss asks if you don't mind working late and you can totally say "Yeah sure no problem dick I want nothing more than to not go home and sleep and do your work because your an overpaid monkey in a suit who spends way too much time licking the CEO's ass and playing with the secretary's tits". Ahhh the sweet release of truth.

I am generally not a person who holds back but sometimes there are things that I feel just can't be said. So Jesus, the real one not my brother, if you are hearing my little prayers please allot me just one day in the whole year to speak my mind fully. To perhaps actually smack the bitch who doesn't bring her Ezpass and yet drives into the Ezpass lane and causes a delay. To have the courage to tell people, No your baby isn't cute. It looks like an old decrepit man on his death bed. To be able to say, No I don't like that as a matter of fact. Your penis is small, your skills are unfortunate and your rocking boobs bro. To be free enough to declare, Yes you look fat, No you can't skip me in the line because you have one thing, Hell no your not the best I ever had and Yes he did it better.

It's not much to ask right? A guilt free day of pure honesty deep from within my cold dark dark heart. And by guilt free I mean guilt free for me. Another person's pain sounds like a personal problem. I'll be marking down the days on my 2010 NYC Fireman's Calendar (rawwwrrrr) until I get a sign that this day is meant to be. In the event it doesn't happen, I genuinely care about all your problems and concerns and enjoy discussing them in great detail on a daily basis.

Thank You.