Why I HATE Dating

They are many things I absolutely HATE in life. In case you didn't know I am also known as Bitter Betty. My nicknames rock. Any hoot, I fucking HATE HATE HATE dating. It's bullshit. While I most recently went on a date that I didn't manage to totally fuck up, for the most part I'm a walking disaster. Although he did fall asleep for most of the date, it was definitely one of the better ones. Don't judge me.

It' like an interview, trying to impress this person in a weak attempt for approval. Please like me mister, I'm lonely and getting old and don't want my parents to think I just have angry spite sex with drunken fools at the bar. (Totally true but not the point) I would rather go to the gynecologist on a daily basis and be prodded by strangers than sit down to a formal dinner. Well if you add a bar and some Jager bombs I guess I'm already living that life. Ahh but I digress.

I think there should be some sort of bullshit decoder that only girls can see to tell if they are wasting their time or not. For example, do you remember the VH1 show Pop-up Videos? Classic I know. Now imagine you are on a date and while sipping some gay wine, because you really wanted a Coors Light but didn't want to out man his vino, he says "I can't put my finger on it, but there is something about you I really like." Like magic a thought bubble pops up next to his head translating the true meaning of his words into "Keep drinking bitch I'm going to stick it in your ass."

With this type of information you now have the power to make an informed decision. Run or stop off at CVS after dinner for some KY. I wish more guys were just honest. Taking me to dinner in the hopes of getting laid is just a waste of time for both of us. The whole time your wondering if you gave yourself razor burn for nothing and I'm wondering what to eat that won't give me gas. Do I get the steak with mushrooms and wild rice with a side of broccoli or some gay salad? Do I pretend I don't want an appetizer and dessert because 1- I don't know if you brought a credit card or even own one and 2- I don't have the patience to pick my teeth in the bathroom after. The fact that I only have 20 bucks in my purse and I don't want to end up washing dishes is also a factor I take highly into consideration.

So after an awkward dinner, taking each bite meticulously as to not spill it all over yourself, the check comes. Now I have to do the fake reach for my purse bit. So unnecessary, like come on bro pay for my meal lets get this cracking. Chances are I haven't eaten to my satisfaction because I'm sweating the whole time out of nervousness and I need to get home before Burger King closes. I'm also disturbingly sober because while I want to down a bottle or two of your homo vino, I don't because this is Applebees not after hours. Yeah I get the red carpet treatment bitches.

I'm a pretty confident girl but when it comes to dating I'm the female Rain Man. If it can be fucked up I will find the way to do it. People always say "Just be yourself" . Yeah shut the fuck up morons!! If I acted like myself it would go something like this...

Random Dude: "You look really pretty"
Me: "Yeah I just took what I found in the bottom of the hamper and Febrezed it but thanks"

Random Dude: "I never cheat"
Me: "Cocccckkkk"

Awkward Silence...............

Now if that doesn't scream take me home to mommy I don't know what does. I mean really, I'm fucking classy.

Well folks this is why I hate dating. It's a sweaty uncomfortable mess without having to use a wipe up rag after.